Archives for: 2008



Permalink 11:01:01 am, Categories: Random Verbosities..., 342 words   English (NZ)

Life... and an amnesic concussion to forget...

"Where am I... and why am I lying on my arse?"

I try to open my eyes, but the sudden appearance of new friends called Headache and Nausea convinced me that it was probably a bad idea. I don't think I've had a hangover this bad since I drank my liver to the brink of extinction in my first year of university. I try to get up but the effort is futile. My body appear to be quite adament to just stick itself to the hard, dry, icy snow.

Ah, yes. I must have been snowboarding. Acquiring a mid-week pass... check. Buying a snowboard online... check. The sudden realisation that I cannot remember how I got to Mt Hutt... interesting.

Someone was trying to talk to me. I open my right eye, and it was greeted by a shoulder length blonde-haired girl with kind grey eyes. I wonder if I'm in heaven. I wonder if angels like coffee and supports the crusaders.

She tries to ask me if I am ok. All I could do in my inebriated state was to look around and try to remember where I am. Nothing looks familiar. Buildings, chair-lifts, the five-foot orange sign asking people to slow down, they all appeared totally and entirely foreign. This is probably what being born feels like. She pulls out a radio, she must be telling god how much of an idiot I am. Damn it, I guess that's no coffee.

All of a sudden I am on my feet and walking in slow motion. I could be Ben Affleck boarding the space shuttle in 'Armageddon', but apparently we're going to the medbay instead. For the first time in my life I wanted to be Ben Afflic. My snowboard, goggles and trusty blue beanie are miraculously in her hands. Wow, she is pretty quick with taking my gear off. She must do this fairly often. Apparently I left my goggles and beanie further up the mountain than I had bargained for. I bet that's what she tells all the boys...



Permalink 02:23:18 am, Categories: Random Verbosities..., 165 words   English (NZ)

Life... and its most insomniac moments...


Its nearly two in the morning, and I woke up with the distinct impression that I should save the world. Atleast, I woke with enough energy to save the world. But alas, the world outside is asleep, and I'm awake. I'm probably the one whom needs saving right now.

There is jazz in the background, and I've made myself the most geriatric drink of all - Pimms and lemonade on ice. My brain probably just reached the grand age of 82. I should probably get what I've always wanted: the bifocals and hearing aid set from the warehouse. Oh but wait. They're closed.

My eye lids are getting heavy. They finally serve a meaningful purpose. Their rest is now over, time for them to do their job. Hell. They've been hiding away for about 14 hours today already. It would not suprise me to find that I'm the proud owner of the laziest eye lids known to mankind.

I should get something for that. Some sleep maybe.



Permalink 08:48:50 pm, Categories: Random Verbosities..., 279 words   English (NZ)

Life... and torment of the dreaded man-flu...

You - who say marriages sucks the life out of a good honest, hard working man... Desist. For I have succumbed to the worst fear known to men-kind...

The Man Flu.

Be afraid! For winter is upon us and the Man Flu will plague this land once more. You can fight, hide or shriek of your mother's maiden name, but your fate will be unavoidable. Its slimy cold tentacles will smother you with its germs while you sleep. Its dark ominous steps will creep through your hall ways. Your screams will be unheard. No one will come to your aid... Not even your girlfriend, mistress or wife! (Especially your wife).

For they do not understand the pain that is the man-flu. The suffering we go through is both physical and emotional. While our body is being ravaged by biological warefare, the minds of those affected are warped by its strange mystical powers. You women who mock and make fun of our dreadful misery - remember the emotion you went through on that overcast monday morning as you realised a pimple have suddenly erupted on your forehead without your prior permission. Now multiply it so it has filled all your facial pores with its uncontrolled rage and pus filled darkness. That kodak moment is a true picture of a Man Flu soul. The mucousy, pustulated sickly fingers of the disease prying away at their very heart, layer by layer.

You point and laugh at our pain. You fill your faces with such mirth and jovial circumstance. But I know you only do so because you don't understand the colossal suffering that is the common Man Flu.

I... have been afflicted.

Sympathies please.



Permalink 08:09:51 pm, Categories: Random Verbosities..., 313 words   English (NZ)

Life... and is there obesity in heaven?

Obesity... the invisible scurge of our nation. Its lipophilic tentacles traverses through all walks of life, from young to old, rich and poor, the wise and the not-so-wise. Its cold, cruel existence serves only one single and simple purpose - to screw you over anyway that it can. Heart attacks, diabetes, peripheral vascular disease, premature arthritis, aortic aneurism and stroke to just name a few. Not only that, one also ends up with a body odur not too dissimilar to liquid shoe polish. Once you've died from its McCombo clutches and reaches heaven, will you still be obese?

Here are a few reason why I don't think there will be:
1. given that people are already dead before they go to heaven, the word 'obesity' loses value as it no longer determines a morbid outcome for the individual; for the morbid outcome has already occured. Similar words would also include 'arrogant git', 'suicide bomber', and 'Hitler'.

2. Given that people seem to glide over surfaces so easily in heaven (as depicted by common Hollywood movies), it would stand to reason that heaven has no gravity and all is weightless. If something is weightless, how can it be obese?

3. How does one weigh a spirit in heaven? To start, my heaven certainly won't have bathroom scales.

4. Given that we won't actually need to eat to keep ourselves alive, will there be food in heaven? If there is no food in heaven, how can people get fat?

5. If there is food in heaven, it is no doubt the most devine cuisine ever created. Surely of all places, heaven would be the place where we can ingest and digest all we'd like without being overweight.

6. Given our current culture and established fashion sense, once we die we'd probably be upgraded with bulging biceps, ample abdominals and thunder thighs.

7. What would Jesus eat? Thats probably the food available in heaven.



Permalink 06:54:25 pm, Categories: News, 409 words   English (NZ)

Life... and with all its possible January ruminations...

January was a fine month. People often say 'fine' to lament upon the boring atrocities that might have happened during their day. However in this case, I use 'fine' with sheer respect to Carmen Electra's sultry chest melons and the new Jaguar XKR - hot, fiesty and filled with steamy X-rated adventure to the proverbial brim.

Work is going well. Shakespear would probably compare it to a mid-summers twilight, and gaggle forth some soliloqui about comfort, hope and freedom. With this job, I can actually have a chat to my clients about whatever I want to talk about; whether it be about their job, spouse, or just a leisure banter about their warped dietary habits. Every now and again, I might actually solve their problems. Occassionally there might also be some form of cortical thinking and tea drinking involved in between consultations. And I've discovered something here-in that I've never managed to discover before...

I love tea. If there is a way to get a pseudo-British citizenship by drinking tea, I'm sure I'd be the first person to achieve it. In fact, by the way I'm drinking they'll probably start to put warning labels for pregnant women on the packaging; thats quite an achievement since I'm neither woman, or pregnant. Seriously, here is a lesson for all you coffee drinkers out there - instead of polluting your body with toxic levels of caffine, why not do it with more class and drink tea instead?

Not to be entirely biased, but the women in Christchurch are also more mature, with less issues, and more fun to be around. Somewhere in there I should also probably mention they also present themselves better; not in a British 'oh poor peasant-slave, bring me my gin and tonic' kind of way. But just with a touch more R.F.H. - Relaxed Feminine Hippiness. I think there might also be a touch less facial hair down south as well, but I have not yet conducted a randomised trial to confirm or deny my theories. For the moment, lets just trust my male intuition for now.

So what more can a man ask for really? Besides a wife who just happens to be a Swedish stripper with an executive chefs' degree tucked seductively in her G-string? And which breed of men would not flock to Christchurch for the described sumptious deliciousness of life? If they're lucky, there might just be a lonely bird left before they're all gone...



Permalink 10:03:08 pm, Categories: Boy / Girl etc etc., 129 words   English (NZ)

Life... and a resume on how to miss somebody...

Someone once said, how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. And how true to the point they were. But unfortunately for all of us, for some inexplicable reason, that someone must depart to some distant land, sometime.

You turn away, and it starts with a slight niggle in your stomach, you know whats wrong but you still try your best to ignore it. You don't look back, because it will only serve to make it worse. Names of people scroll through your mind as you continue your futile search for a suitable replacement; in the meantime, the niggle has turned to an ache - apparently such desperate measures is considered uncuth and ungentlemanly.

However, with the ensuing days that pass, it does get better.


Christchurch Bachelor

Ever wanted to gnaw your way into the deep, dark recess of your typical Christchurch Bachelor? Knaw no more my good visitor! For here lies the answer for your every inkling and festering question. Read... for your answers lie within...

Photo Gallery

<<     >>
Jan Feb Mar Apr
May Jun Jul Aug
Sep Oct Nov Dec



Syndicate this blog XML

What is RSS?

powered by